By night, I
like to think of myself as a food critic of sorts, but by day, I teach. And all good teachers know that the start of
a good lesson begins by accessing your students’ prior knowledge on a
subject. So my friends, before you read
this telling review, take a moment to watch this SNL skit, entitled Red Flag, compliments of Hulu. I will be referencing the comedy genius of this
Kristen Wiig video on occasion, so educate yourself. (P.S. If you haven’t already seen this video,
shame to you.)
I’m a strong believer in signs, or
gut feelings as one might say. That’s
why I’m kicking myself for ignoring the blatant liver quiver I got when
arriving at Café Zinho. Upon opening the
front door, I practically walked into a table of diners who were squeezed right
next to the entrance. My husband and I
awkwardly plastered ourselves against the door in hopes of seeing a staff
member to check us in for our 7:30 pm reservations. An older woman came out from the kitchen and
greeted us promptly, asking for our name.
I couldn’t wait to sit down and move out of the way. Unfortunately, that didn’t go as smoothly as
I would’ve hoped. The woman asked for my
husband’s name again and read aloud names that were not ours. She then asked when we had called and whom we
had spoken to when we made our reservations, as if that would make our name
appear on the list. What it boiled down
to, however, was that the gentleman who took my husband’s phone call earlier in
the week had not recorded it in the book.
The hostess informed us, speaking over a table of guests, that the
gentleman we spoke to was in his car when we called so he most likely forgot to
write our name down. The woman then
looked at us as if the oversight was out of her hands. It was our problem, not hers. (“Red
flag,” cue whisper voice.)
Just as we were about to turn for
the door, an older couple got up from their table, informing us that they were
on their way out and insisted we take their seats. The hostess (who we later discovered was the
owner as well) checked the book to see if the table in question was reserved. It was not, so just like that she changed her
face and greeted us with a smile as if the previous five minutes of rudeness
had never happened. She asked if we
could wait a moment while she changed the table linens. As we leaned against the door, I scanned the
room of patrons for the first time.
That’s when I realized that the average age of diners was easily 65+. (“Red
flag,” more whispering.) Not to say
that an older crowd indicates poor food quality, but my hopes of modern fare
were quickly diminishing.
With a feeling of unease, we sat
down at the tiny table, which was wobbly and placed against the
hostess/beverage area desk. After reviewing
the menu, I started to feel a bit better.
The menu was small and featured some classic Portuguese dishes. Several menu items sounded quite delicious
and I began wondering how I would choose just one. We decided to begin with the Chicken Liver
appetizer. It came out promptly and
looked as scrumptious as it sounded. The
livers were sautéed to perfection (crispy on the outside and velvety on the inside) and dressed with an apple cider sauce. They were nicely accompanied with a healthy
handful of arugula, and topped with apple slaw and bacon chunks. When you put a taste of each ingredient on
your fork, it was a beautiful balance of flavors and textures. Better yet, we were served a basket of warm
corn meal based bread. I used some bits
of the delightful dough to sop up some of the remaining sauce. It was that good!
 |
| Chicken Liver Appetizer |
 |
| Mariscada...looks deceivingly good. |
 |
| The hard rubbery foot that needed to be removed wasn't the deal breaker...it was the grit in my mouth. |
 |
| If this wasn't a bowl of sea water, it would've been lovely to have a side of rice. |
 |
| Strip Steak? Salisbury Steak? I don't know either. |
Feeling quite relieved and more
relaxed after our first course, we sat back and enjoyed a glass of our favorite
wine (BYOB). As we waited for our
entrees to arrive, however, that nagging feeling of foreshadowed dread started
creeping back. As mentioned, our table
was literally next to a staff area. When
my husband and I weren’t chatting, we began overhearing unpleasant
conversations from the wait staff.
“That’s not my table, it’s yours.”
“Wait, which bottle of wine goes to that table?” “I tried their leftover wine. It was really gross.” (“Red flag.”) As I looked at
my husband, I noticed his face was contorted as well. Was he hearing this too? Perhaps, but he was looking at the line of
dirt and dust that was crusted on the desk we were seated against. Considering
this is an area that diners are seated next to and countless dishes are placed
on, it was a serious oversight in the cleaning department. Then I heard it… “Baby, you’re a firework. Come on
show ‘em what your worth.” Yes, it’s
true; they were playing Katy Perry at a Portuguese restaurant. (“RED FLAG!”) But it was too late…our entrees were already
en route to our table.
Our waiter, who we hadn’t seen
since he’d brought our appetizer, clumsily placed my Mariscada (shellfish stew)
in front of me. My eyes widened as I
noticed the size and variety of shellfish in my bowl. I wish that bigger always meant better
ladies, but after the first bite, I knew I was going home unsatisfied. For starters, my scallops were served with
their feet still attached. Not the end
of the world though, no that came when I bit into one. Instantly, I felt the grit between my
teeth. These beautiful scallops were
absolute rubbish. They were nothing more
than a salty, sandy sponge.
The shrimp and mussels were equally distasteful as they were completely
overcooked. You could have easily
bounced those shrimp. The only part of
the dish worth eating was the few clams they’d thrown in. They were actually tender, although still on
the salty side. After removing the
shellfish, what was left was approximately two full cups of sodium packed
broth. Having had Mariscada at other Portuguese/Brazilian
eateries, I realized that they hadn’t given me a side of rice to soak up the
stock. Considering I would’ve needed to
drink a gallon of water if I had actually consumed the juice, I’ll consider
that a positive in hindsight.
My husband ordered the Strip Steak
with Syrah and Mascarpone sauce. Heavens
to Betsy, I swear at first glance I thought they had brought him a Salisbury
steak. His steak was bathed in a puddle
that tasted like coagulated beef bullion.
It was so underwhelming that I wanted to march back in the kitchen and
demand to see proof they even had Syrah or mascarpone on hand. It was served with a few pieces of boiled
veggies including two little fingerling potatoes. Perhaps they had boiled my husband's steak in
the same pot.
We were at the bottom of our wine
bottle and sitting amongst an array of dirty dishes for over twenty minutes
before we could get our inattentive waiter to visit our table. Perhaps the wait staff is trained to stay
away from the diners after they get their food to reduce the number of dishes
sent back to the kitchen. They figure
you’ll cave and eat it out of shear hunger.
When he finally came over, he asked if we needed anything else. We responded with a “no” and requested our
check. Do you think he cleared any of
our dishes in his retreat? Spoiler
alert: no. When he brought us our check,
we were sitting in our coats ready to find something else to eat. The total of our bill was pennies under the
$70 mark. That was the last straw, the
final slap in my salty, dry mouth.
Café Zinho was an absolute
disappointment. The only positives of
the evening were the appetizer and the bottle of wine we brought
ourselves. Keep this lesson in mind,
friends, heed the red flags or pay the consequence.
I give Café Zinho: 1/5 forks
Will I return? No. There are countless ethnic eateries
we can patron. This will not be one of
them.
Café
Zinho
238 Spahr St
Pittsburgh, PA 15232
(412) 363-1500
"Firework"
as written by Katy Perry, Mikkel Eriksen, Tor Erik Hermansen, Sandy Julien
Wilhelm, Ester Dean
Lyrics
© Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., EMI Music Publishing
